lost in time: the past
title sounds like the most generic science fiction ever, but it's actually first in a series of ramblings where i try to articulate my relation with time.
i was always forgetful. as a kid i was losing stuff basically every week. from pencils and books, to pants and house keys. i believe i'm as forgetful as adult, but i've created a lot of systems that organise my life now. i didn't manage to create any system that helps with ephemeral mind stuff though. with objects i mostly rely on places. if key hook is empty - i didn't put house keys there, so it's obvious when stuff is missing. but my mind feels like a bag rather than an organizer. it's a single closet with maybe couple of shelfs rather than a library.
some people can recall events with month and sometimes even date accuracy. when i recall past events i rely on couple of known dates (year i was born and when i finished university) and have to calculate and guesstimate from those. past is just all the stuff that already happened. it has no structure unless we create it. when reading books story narration helps us reconstruct the sequence of past events. additionally authors only mention important stuff, they act as a filter or a lens in that sense. but for me there is no single story of my life, there is just life and my perspective of it. stuff happens all the time and we don't know what's important until it becomes important in the future. probably the fact that i don't believe in free will also plays it's role, but that's discussion for another time.
because of such perception of time buddhism always made sense to me. as we know remembering happens in the moment and it's actually creative process, not a mechanical replay. living in the now as past doesn't exist anymore and future doesn't exist yet is my default.
i can't tell you what i did last wednesday without checking calendar, messengers and other external systems, but it's easier for me to let go and don't dwell on the past. i used to be jealous of people's ability to remember stuff, but now that's also in the past :)